Trigger Warning - Child Abuse
Through Colored Glasses
Through Colored Glasses is my own personal journey of discovery into dealing with a traumatic event. As a child, I was molested. I had to deal with many conflicting emotions that I didn’t understand at such an early age. I had to process them in my own way. However, no matter how horrible that situation was to endure…the years of racing thoughts, varied emotions, and lasting confusion, I decided not to let them define me. Yes, they were a part of me, but only a part. That was it. It was only a chapter in my story.
The goal of my photo series was to create and capture the many emotions I encountered after my traumatic experience. Instead of focusing on how negative the emotions were, I wanted to portray them as something beautiful. I’ve always been inspired by florals, fashion, and the arts. Using that inspiration, I created stylized editorial shoots based on color theory and emotions. Most people associate high fashion magazines or photos as a symbol of beauty, and I wanted these negative emotions to be portrayed in the same light.
Through Colored Glasses deals with the following order of emotions: Innocence, Sadness, Anxiety, Euphoria, Fear, Anger, and Acceptance. It’s the same order in which I processed my trauma. They were overwhelming feelings, and they changed the way I looked at my life. It was as if I was looking through colored glasses and I could no longer tell what colors were true anymore. But I learned to embrace the new colored lenses, and to find the beauty and joy in them. They made me who I am today. Life has so many wonderful things to offer, and although I still see and feel those emotions at times, they do not define me. They have hopefully made me more empathetic, wiser, more patient, and taught me to look for the joy in the everyday and appreciate what I have.
Every person has gone through their own personal traumas, and my hope is that this series can be a way for people to know that:
You are NOT alone.
You are NOT crazy.
You are NOT defined by those events.
You ARE beautiful.
Loss of Innocence
I believe everyone is born with a sense of innocence, unaware of the world and its cruelties. As we grow, our innocence can gradually be chipped away or forcefully removed. In this piece we see the gradual transition taking place, from innocence to uncertainty. Samantha’s Garden designed a beautiful floral garment utilizing red roses, rose petals, and tulle. The shoot starts outside in the beautiful golden sunlight, representing an innocent view on life, focusing on the beauty, on happiness, and on freedom. Then, to represent the shift in circumstances, it moves indoors, shutting out the light and the door to those positive emotions and leaning heavily into the worry and apprehension that comes with the loss of innocence.
2. Sadness
I was very young, and I wasn’t able to process my grief. I hated the idea of having people worrying about me, because it meant I’d have to acknowledge what happened. So I stayed quiet. I stayed with my feelings, not knowing how to process or talk about them.
Similar to French aristocratic portraits, I wanted to portray a sense of regality. In the presence of nobility, you retreat inward, act more poised, and all your attention goes to them. I used a light blue organza fabric to create a ruffled blouse as a representation of the flow of tears shed. Samantha’s Garden created a floral headpiece to symbolize the explosion of feelings I wish I had dealt with.
3. Anxiety
Anxiety is my constant companion. It keeps me company on my morning commute, as I travel throughout the day, and as I try to go to sleep at night. It comes with its challenges. I have racing thoughts, have a hard time focusing, and my mind can feel hazy. To show this, I wanted to portray a stark contrast between the clean white cloth that the model wore, and the intricate headpiece made of butterfly wings. I wanted it to feel like an explosion of the mind. The butterfly wings represent those ever increasing and unattainable thoughts. The makeup is also inspired by butterflies, and the orange powder was chosen to create a haziness to the images that is parallelled to the haziness I sometimes feel. The models hands and clothing were stained with it to show the permanence that anxiety has become in my life, yet creativity can stem forth from it and a lot of productivity.
4. Euphoria
For many years, I buried things deep down. I tried to be happy, and was known as a very cheerful, carefree individual. I always had a smile or a joke at the ready. But at the time, I was going through the motions. I wasn't truly happy.
For this feeling I wanted to create something with a lot of volume, something all encompassing. Many associated me with this feeling, and I tried to embody it as much as possible. The florals surrounding the model's face were meant to attract the eye, so it's all you focus on, just as some saw me as happy.
5. Fear
Unknowingly, I had suppressed the memories of what had happened to me. At the age of 18, I was flooded with dreams that made me relive my trauma. Caught completely by surprise, I was left to deal with an emotion I never wanted: fear.
I created an oversized organza coat to symbolize how I'd suddenly been overwhelmed by this feeling. I shredded the bottom and left handprints to represent abuse. Purple for the color of bruising. I wanted to create ugly monster bc in my case in dreams relived and left with trauma and left with fear in general having to re process monster overwhelming me
The mind is very powerful, and in certain situations it can protect itself by forgetting traumatic events. Unknowingly, I had suppressed the memories of what had happened to me. At the age of 18, they came flooding back in a dream. It was too vivid to be just a dream, and I realized that it wasn't. I became shrouded in fear.
I created an oversized organza coat to symbolize the overwhelming fear coursing through me. I decided to tear the bottom of the fabric and painted white handprints crawling up the organza. That and the color itself represented the abuse I experienced and the panic I felt at having to re-process my feelings after so many years. It was like the monster hiding in the closet, and after so many years, it was finally free.
6. Anger
I purposefully chose the color red for anger. Samantha’s Garden designed a body suit made of red roses that was supposed to invoke the feeling of claustrophobia. It was meant to feel overwhelming. The blinding rage that was felt was symbolized by the red veil. The model purposefully stares directly into camera and the large scale size of the prints are meant to create a formidable atmosphere.
Daunting.
7. Acceptance
The most difficult, but most rewarding thing was when I came to terms with what happened. I was able to heal, and it only took about 25 years. Every person is different. No one can tell you how long you need to process your emotions. I was able to use that time to focus on all the positive things that came into my life. The emotional growth I had, the beautiful people who offered support, my loving & empathetic wife, and the trust I built in God.
I created an exposed backdrop with different fabrics for a sense of openness. I designed a gown with an iridescent fabric, with underlays of green, a color to symbolize life.To portray the various pieces of myself I had grown to learn and love, I used clear vessels using flowers from a local flower farm in Gentry. Tulips are one of the few flowers that even after they are cut, continue to grow. In the midst of this project, I found an old photo of myself as a child and set it upon my painter’s pallet. A representation of how I used art as a medium to cope with my trauma, and how I’ve come to accept who I am today.
